I don’t know about you, but I find that the older I get, the more I have to work at staying current. I recently attended a social media conference entitled Blissdom. It was designed to educate, inform, and create relationships among females who are blogging and using Twitter and Facebook on a daily basis.

I was keenly aware that I was one of the oldest women at the conference. I am 51 years old now and I am not thinking I am ancient just yet. However, I could not escape the fact that according to the audience, I was on the “senior” side of things.

I realized I could either a) fret over being the oldest or b) look at myself as being on the cutting edge. Needless to say, I decided to frame my perspective from a positive slant.
As I was reflecting on the experience, my thoughts expanded to my relationship with my adult children.  It dawned on me that this experience was indicative of what I needed to remember as I continued down my parenting journey: I would need to stay on the cutting edge of growing.

I am fortunate that I like my children and find them fascinating and challenging. There is never a dull moment and I am often caught off guard as to what the next issue facing our family will be.

If you are like me, parenting adult children is a tightrope. At any moment you can find yourself walking through issues you never expected to face, wondering if you will get through them without falling on your face. Needless to say, you hope you can run quickly and get to solid ground safely.

The ropes we walk are as varied as the children we have. Some issues evolve around the choices our adult children make while others are the result of circumstances our children encounter.  They can involve other people, finances, moral choices, and the unique personality traits that make them who they are. The issues can also be the result of economic times, impulsive decision-making, and the natural developmental stages of life.

If we are going to keep up and be the parents our adult children need, we will have to recognize several key truths. These insights are not designed to create stress but to help parents of adult children see the value in growing alongside their children so the bond grows stronger, not fainter, as they face life.

First, we have to remember that we are no longer in control and any attempt we make to control their lives will backfire on us and hurt the relationship. We will often disagree with their decisions and they know which ones we would disapprove of. They lived with us long enough to know exactly how we feel on just about every subject, so we do not need to preach to them our position.  Any attempt on our part to take over, control, manipulate, or criticize will only serve in pushing them further away when in fact, they may need us now more than ever.

Secondly, our children will be true to how they were when they were young. We have one child who had to learn everything the hard way and it just made us crazy. The cost to him was always high and Neil and I were very consistent with carrying out the consequences of his choices.  As an adult, we see he still has to learn things in the same manner and it still makes us crazy. However, now we choose to be there when consequences come his way to help him make sense of things as well as learn what he can from them. We are not there to judge or say “We told you so” (even though everything inside us wants to).  We are there to reflect truth, love unconditionally, ask important questions, and encourage growth without judgment.

Third, I have observed that most parents of adult children expect their children to adapt to them instead of recognizing it is the parents who have to change the way they parent. This is hard for most of us because we believe what we have done in the past worked rather effectively. However, if we parent them the way we did when they were younger, we will stunt instead of fan the flame of their growth and maturity.

Lastly, for me not to lose my mind in the midst of parenting our adult children, I have to keep my eye on the One who created them and knows them best. If I focus on the problems, issues, choices, etc, my children make, I will drive myself crazy.   By keeping my heart and mind on my faith in the teachings of Jesus, I will find peace, hope, and joy in the midst of uncertainty. A tightrope walker does not look down at their feet or the ground below where they might fall, but instead looks at the horizon and destination of where they are headed.

Wherever you find yourself in the journey of parenting your adult children, be sure you keep your eyes and heart focused on the One who will believe in you as you walk through uncharted territory. Your greatest moments of parenting and being a person of faith may still lie ahead. You can be ready by recognizing you are not alone if you will ask for help, have the hope, and keep the faith.

Always,
Catherine

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6 (KJV)