How Real Are Your Children?

A couple of summers ago, two of my daughter’s friends from college dropped by to see her as they were passing through South Florida. Tiffany had spent a lot of time with them and they knew each other well.

We were having dinner together that night and one of the friends said, ”Mrs. Hickem, it is really interesting to me that Tiffany is the same person in your presence as she is when she is with us”.

I was perplexed by his comment, so I asked Aaron what he meant. “I don’t have another friend who is the same person in front of their parents as they are behind their back. I know I’m not the same in front of mine. “

By this time, I was both humbled and curious. “Why is that Aaron?” I asked. “In most cases, parents don’t want to know who we are.  They want to hold on to who they THINK we are. In my case, I know if they really knew me, they would be really stressed and make my life miserable,” Aaron stated. “I don’t want to live with their disappointment.  It is just easier if I let them think what they want.”

I took the time to explore this conversation with these young men, who were really terrific people. They seemed to feel comfortable with me that evening (Neil was working that night) and gave no evidence of pretending about any area of their life. If I was their parent, I would not have been happy with some of their decisions, but none of them were worthy of pretention.

I have thought on that evening’s revelation and have felt sad for these young men as well as their parents.  Since that time, I have paid attention to many of the young adults who have entered my life and have pursued that question on numerous occasions.  Unfortunately, I have found they were pretty correct.

As parents, our adult children will often walk paths we never anticipated.  We can be surprised, disappointed, frustrated, and hurt. We will often react instead of respond to their choices, which sends a message we probably don’t intend to send.   

Many parents of adult children have told me they don’t want to know what is going in their child’s life.  “What I don’t know will protect me” is the heart cry of many parents.  I understand why they wouldn’t enjoy knowing the truth because sometimes the truth is painful and harsh.

When we tell our children we don’t want to know, we are telling them we only want a relationship with them if they make us feel okay about our parenting.  It tells the adult child we will love them as long as they fulfill our expectations.

Another message our denial sends to our adult children is that we will not be available to them when their choices blow up in their face.  I am not saying we rescue them from themselves; I am saying we can still love them in spite of themselves, just like God loves us. 

I have held young women whose mothers have quit on them.  I have seen fear in the eyes of young adults whose parents had given up on them.  I have too many stories of young adults who are truly alone and have no one in the world in which to turn.

If you are reading this article, I imagine you are a parent who really cares for and loves your child. I also know you may be one who doesn’t want to hurt and be disappointed by your adult children.  I understand and appreciate where you are. I am right there with you.

The truth is we can work through whatever our children experience if we realize we are not alone.  I am grateful my children can be honest, even though I am not always happy with everything I hear.  It can make me crazy or it can make me grateful.  If I know the truth, I then know how to talk to God about my concerns.  When they trust me with themselves, it tells me there is always room for God to work. 

We have to remember our children were not placed in our lives to make us happy. We were placed in their lives to give them a foundation in which to live.  They will need us differently as they grow and mature, but what will never change is their need for the ones who know them best to have eternal hope on their behalf.

Were you authentic with your parents? What messages do you send when your adult children are not living out the values and beliefs with which they were raised? Questions like these are designed to provoke thought and push you toward a greater reliance on your faith in God.  When this happens, families will be restored because hope will be renewed. Don’t let another day go by without knowing exactly how you score on the “realness” meter with your children.   Truth may not always be what you desire to hear but in the long run, it will be your friend because it paves the path to greater trust and respect.

Always,
Catherine

PS  The story of the prodigal is a great reminder of the steadfast love of a father (Luke 15:11-32)

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